by Jeff Ko
I think about it parapsychologically/precognitively. I try to catch it out, to move myself forward in time and to feel it, to befriend it so as to be able to look back retrospectively and sense the growth of it; the crash, the jump, the lump.
(the way that) terribly real things can remain mundane and reach mythical proportions simultaneously.1
My mother told me the truth about Santy, when we were driving past the library in the town I grew up in; as she spoke, time sped up and bruises developed in my belly. I sat in her office and wrote a letter to him, vigorously proclaiming my unwavering belief. I asked my mother for a stamp; usually we burned these letters in the fire, but a stamp anchored the situation in the physical world. I wanted her to ask me why I needed a stamp so that I could exclaim my piety… she didn’t. I marched/stumbled to the Post Office, seeking recognition for my conviction, or at the least some reassurance.
My younger brother died a couple years ago. His cat still mourns him.2
The more one invests in a belief, the more value one will place in this belief and, as a consequence, be more resistant to facts, evidence or reality that contradict this belief. Some of the True Believers in the Keech case had left their spouses, jobs and given up their possessions to prepare to board an alien spacecraft ahead of the end of the world on December 21, 1954. When the world did not end, the group believed that their devotion convinced God to spare the world and they became even more feverish in proselytizing their belief. As a result, cognitive dissonance-reducing activity (belief disconfirmation response) provided an enhancement of their beliefs and outlet for their heavy investment and discomfort in front of reality.3
P died. When I got home, I poured a Guinness to raise to him. For a split-second it felt as if I was experiencing post-death. I felt that nothing we do matters, not in a nihilistic way, but that we are all the same; a feeling of oneness sank into me. Later, I tried to rationalise this, how circumstance and trauma manifest. How, if we believe that biology/neurology/socialisation give birth to anger, violence, and unwanted characteristics that inhabit a person, well… these things simply decay. Would this then allow for the “person/spirit/thing”, unadulterated, to slip out of the body, and back into the universe?
I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks.
And I am the arms merchant,
selling deadly weapons to Uganda.4
During their OBE (Out of body experience), people have the feeling that they have apparently taken off their body like an old coat, and to their surprise and confusion, they apparently have retained their own self-identity with the possibility of perception, emotions, and a very clear consciousness. Following a successful resuscitation, they can report veridical perceptions from a position outside and above their lifeless body. This OBE is scientifically important because doctors, nurses, and relatives can verify the reported perceptions, and they can also corroborate the precise moment the NDE (Near-death experience) with OBE occurred during the period of cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). In a recent review of 93 corroborated reports of potentially verifiable out-of-body perceptions during an NDE, about 90% were found to be completely accurate, 8% contained some minor error, and only 2% were completely erroneous.5
Recently I heard Graham Norton talking about almost dying after being stabbed when he was in his 20s. He spoke about the dissonance between bleeding to death and what his body was feeling, how it didn’t feel traumatic. He explained dying as similar to fatigue and tiredness; something familiar.
Finally able to be fulfilled singularly, a sort of fusing of the rib.
Notes
1 https://www.massimodecarlo.com/exhibition/516/mother%E2%80%99s-indigestion
2 https://www.reddit.com/r/confessions/comments/rsco8r/my_younger_brother_died_a_couple_years_ago_his/
3 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True-believer_syndrome
4 Thich Nhat Hanh (2020), Please Call Me by My True Names, https://plumvillage.org/articles/please-call-me-by-my-true-names-song-poem/
5 Van Lommel, P. (2011). Near‐death experiences: the experience of the self as real and not as an illusion. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1234(1), 19-28.
Jeff Ko is an Irish artist and writer currently based in London.
Something Other 