Women Eating on the Tube

Zoe MurtaghZoe Murtagh

(MUSIC – INTERLUDE : WHY MUST WE DINE ON THE TOTS)

Tap on the Hairbrush…. is this thing on? Yeah? Can you hear me?

It’s not really glandular, it’s your gluttony. Our organisation hates and resents fat people. We object to the enormous amount of food resources you consume while half the world starves. We disapprove of your wasting NHS money to treat your selfish greed. And we do not understand why you fail to grasp that by eating less you will be better off, slimmer, happy and find a partner who is not a perverted chubby-lover, or even find a partner at all. We also object that the beatiful [sic] pig is used as an insult. You are not a pig. You are a fat, ug ug ug ug ugh ugh ugly human.

Urgh urgh urgh urgh urgh urgh urgh urgh

URGH YOU DON’T HAVE A BEACH BODY, YOU SHOULD EAT LESS CAKE

CARROT STICKS? YOU’RE MAKING THE REST OF US LOOK BAD.

WAS THAT A ‘DIET’ COKE?

SHOULD YOU REALLY BE HAVING THAT?

OMG WHERE DO YOU PUT IT ALL?

WELL SHE’S NOT SKIPPING ANY MEALS IS SHE?! She said to my 5 year old.

YOU DID NOT EAT THAT is an instagram account with the bio space reading ‘Speaking the truth in this mixed up world of too many macaroons and ice cream cones used as props because really You Did Not Eat That…’

Marching

Women eating on the tube

Women eating on the tube

Women eating on the tube

(Just repeat as much as you want)

I LOVE RYAN GOSLING EATING CEREAL

Women eating on the tube

Women eating on the tube

Women eating on the tube

I DID NOT FLIRT WITH PAUL HOLLYWOOD

Women eating on the tube

Women eating on the tube

Women eating on the tube

Women eating on the tube

I’M BEING GOOD TODAY

Women eating on the tube

Women eating on the tube

Women eating on the tube

I’M SOOOO BAD

Women eating on the tube

Women eating on the tube

HEY GIRL YOU’RE GOING TO GET FAT

I’m not a girl, I’m a woman.

I’m a woman who was happy eating these delicious processed ice cream like chemicals.

I couldn’t stomach one more bite.

Why didn’t I tell him to fuck off?

I blame myself for his remarks.

I can remember walking home and two men started singing Mika’s Big Girls You Are Beautiful out of the window of their car at me. The worst bit was I was on my way back from Pizza Hut. I’d taken my little sister out for a treat. I can’t eat food like that anymore without an overwhelming sense of guilt.

I’m 61 years old and I can still remember anything anyone has ever said to me about weight.

Zoe Murtagh's 'sweet tweets'Tap on the brush?…Hello? Can you hear me? Is this thing on?

Am I Fat? I’m not fat.. Am I? Whether I am or not why does it matter? Why Am I letting this random person make me feel like crap? IT WAS FROYO. I’m probably going to die alone. I’m disgusting. I’m not fat.

Number 19 on BuzzFeed’s July list of “29 Things Women Avoid Doing Because We Fear For Our Safety” is “eat food in public — like ice cream cones — that might attract unwanted male attention.”

My friends said:

I never eat crisps on a train  because it’s just annoying. I always buy one of those chicken ranch baguettes but I never ever eat it if I’m on a table seat because of the shape. I always try and move so I can sit by myself.

I always try and eat and walk so people can’t see for too long. Do you ever feel conscious eating bananas infront of men?! Or in public at all haha! I guess that feeling where you pretend to have a better diet than you normally do when in public.

Women laughing alone with salad

Women laughing alone with salad

Women laughing alone with salad

Women laughing alone with salad

(Again, repeat as much or as little as you want)

Women laughing alone with salad

Women laughing alone with salad

Women laughing alone with salad

Women laughing alone with salad

MY BODY IS NOT A DEMOCRACY, IT’S A DICTATORSHIP

Women laughing alone with salad

Women laughing alone with salad

Women laughing alone with salad

STREET HARRASSMENT IS AN EXPRESSION OF OPRESSION. IT FUNCTIONS AS A MEANS TO ‘KEEP US IN OUR PLACE’.

Women laughing alone with salad

Women laughing alone with salad

TO BE A WOMAN NOT ON A DIET IS A RADICAL ACT.

Zoe Murtagh's 'sweet tweets'

(Shouty)

Let them eat cake

Let them eat cake

Let them eat cake

Let them eat cake

Let them eat cake

Actually that’s wrong?

Wait, what?

Actually that’s not the right quote.

Yeah erm, Marie Antoinette is one of the most misquoted women in history. So the story goes that talking of the starving peasants Marie Antoinette said ‘Well let them eat cake!’ and for saying it they stormed the bastille and cut her head off. Well this is A LIE. Marie Antoinette was actually just 10 years old when the famous quote was published in Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s confessions. But, it is thought that a lady called Marie Therese did say something along those lines- the cake that she is referring to is not the sort of delicious iced sponges of glory that we think of, she’s actually talking about the equally as yummy but slightly denser French brioche. There was a law in France dictating the price that bakers could sell their bread for. Once all the cheap bread had been sold, in order to stop the peasants from starving Marie said ‘Well let them eat brioche!’ because that would mean that these usually much more expensive eggy funbuns would now be more readily available, at the much cheaper price of a standard loaf, to the general public of France. And now for a word from our sponsors.

The ham’s have finally pushed us to do more than just glare and tut loudly.

Hams. Ham. Ham.

I’m a vegetarian.

Well the trolls and misogynists and ignorant have finally pushed us to do more than cry delicate pink female tears.

The internet is a campfire,  I say let us roast marshmallows.

We should all be able to enjoy the sensual pleasure of food in public, let us eat on the tube.

We all deserve love, let us find our ham loving chubby chasers.

We all have the right to nourish our bodies as we choose without the fear of guilt and shame, even if its only an apple

Even if it’s only an apple

Even if it’s only an apple

Even if it’s only an apple

Even if it’s only an apple

A headless body can’t speak out.

If it could it would say.

LET THEM EAT CAKE.

Tap on the brush?…Hello? Can you hear me? Is this thing on?

(MUSIC: SWEET LIKE CHOCOLATE)

Zoe Murtagh

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