Mum Simulator 2K16

Josh Coates and Leo Burtin

Josh Coates



Welcome to “MUM SIMULATOR 2K16”

A realistic simulator of bringing up a child as a single parent.

Please welcome today’s player

Leo Burtin


Mum Simulator 2k16

Welcome Leo,

Thanks for agreeing to do this. I thought you’d be a good person to play this. I’m behind the laptop which is at the back of the room. I’m here to help run the game as smoothly as I can. For anyone intwrested, I’m Josh. I’m probably waving right now. I’m doing that thing where I apologise for my existence by awkwardly writing in a section where I introduce myself via Leo.


This is the first time Leo has seen this game. He doesn’t know whats going to come up. What he’ll have to say. What he’ll have to do.

There are a few ground rules before we start.

Every decision ”you” make will affect your child so think in the best intwrest of your child.

The game will not tell you the consequences of your decisions until the very end of the game. However, be aware that your child will face the consequences of your decisions a lot earlier than you will.

Most importantly have fun. That’s what games are about anyway, yeah?


Shall we start?

[[Yes|start of game]]

[[No|pedantic screen]]

Your child is born.

[[Insist to hold your child immediately after the birth|Loving]]

[[Allow the nurse to ensure the safety of your child after a long delivery|Refigerator]]

….haha very funny[[.|>]]

Your son won’t stop crying

[[You pick him up and pat him on the back as you hum a song your mother used to sing to you when you need calming down. He doesn’t stop but you persist.|LOVING2]]

[[You place your son down. You let him cry out. As he does son you scream into a pillow in his room. Every attempt at calming him is futile|COLD1]]

Your child throws up on you when you pick him up in front of friends

[[Excuse yourself and clean up the mess. Kiss your child on his feet and smile|LOVING2]]

[[Excuse yourself and clean up the mess. When your friends leave you shout at your child. You call him a cunt|Refigerator]]

[[Excuse yourself and clean up the mess. You and your friends laugh about it. Your son wets himself and the laaughter turn hysterical|COLD1]]

Your child goes to the park near your house. Comes home in floods of tears because an older boy stole his hat

[[Taking your child by the hand you go to the park and look for the hat. You find the hat sat a top of a acne riddled 15 year old. You ask politely but the teenager doesn’t give it back. Calls you a pedophile and his friends join in laughing. You leave and apologies to your son. You promise to buy him a new hat. He says thanks but doesn’t look at you. You ruffle his hair but he shrugs it off|LOVEFAIL]]

[[You leave your son at home and storm over to the park. On your way you pick up a shard of glass from a broken bottle thats in the ill looking public garden. You find the hat sat a top an acne riddled 15 year old. You scream at the teenager. You call him a cunt. He cries as you raise the glass to his left cheek. You take the hat and spit in his face. You take the hat back to your son and you hear a noise you’ve never heard before. It’s a mixture of pure joy and gratitude. It has an energy you didn’t know your son had. He jumps up and kisses you|LOVEBAD]]

At parents evening, your sons teacher tells you that your childs handwriting needs improving or he’ll struggle at high school

[[Apologise. You need to spend time with your son when it comes to homework. You do enough already but to you his handwriting is legible. You say you’ll have words when you get home|LOVEFAIL2]]

[[Apologise. You feel like because you don’t spend time looking over his handwriting that you’ve given him a huge hurdle in life. You promise the teacher you’ll have words when you get home.|COLD3]]

Your son finds a book about poinsonus plants in the library He asks you to take it out. This is the first time your son has seemed excited about reading.

[[You agree to take the book out. It’s a book! He’s actually wanting to read! Thank fuck for that|LOVEBAD2]]

[[You say no. It’s a weird book. You don’t want your kid reading weird books|LOVEFAIL]]

Your son is found smoking around the back of the bins.

[[You scream at your son when he gets home. Tell him to smoke the pack in front of you. You cry and ask what did you do when he was little that made him smoke. He’s not stressed is he? Why would he do this? When he finishes the pack you show him pictures online of cancerous lungs|LOVEFAIL3]]

[[You tell him that next time he needs a better hiding spot. Smoking hasn’t killed anyone in your family so you’re not that worried. When he gets home you talk about how he got into smoking over a ciggeratte. He tells you that you look really uncool smoking. You share a laugh. You can’t remember the last time you did that|COLD4]]

A picture is shared online of your son leaving a toilet cubicle of a club with an older man.

[[You high five him for pulling such a hottie. You ask how it was and he tells you it hurt. He doesn’t need to explain but you know what happened. When your son goes to bed that night you leave a glass of water, a cucumber and a condom by his bedside table.|LOVEBAD4]]

[[You tell him that it’s okay to explore but please be careful next time he does anything like that in a public space. Say that’ll you’ll report those who shared the image and have a word with the head teacher at college|LOVEFAIL4]]

Your son tweets “All White, Straight, Cis genderd men should be shot.

[[You call him up and ask him to remove the tweet. Not that it offends you but becuase it’ll look bad for his LGBTQ* Cross Campus Officer campaign. He tells you that he won’t. He tells you it was a joke and that men like the men he has described have commited worst atrocities to humanity than a little twink kid at uni ever did. You say you don’t care. You tell him to take it down. You lend him you’re copy of “So You’ve been publically shamed?”|LOVEFAIL5]]

[[You ignore it. It’s his life|LOVEBAD4]]

Your son runs over the cat

[[Cry at the side of the cats body.|LOVEFAIL6]]

[[Cry in the arms of your son|COLD5]]

[[Cry on the bonnet of the car|LOVEBAD4]]

[[Ask your son to get you a new cat|newcat]]

You get a new cat



You don’t see your son for 4 months.


[[Don’t worry|LOVEFAIL7]]

Your son writes an article online. It says that straight females create huge problems within society, blaming them for not allowing a truly intersectional society. Your son says that any straight female that is raped by a man deserves it for not attemping to question their role in the patriarchy

[[You ignore it. He’s different now. It’s not a mothers job|LOVEFAIL8]]

[[You call him up and ask him if his grandmother deserved to be raped. He doesn’t respond. You call him little|LOVEFAIL8]]

Your son enters a univeristy in London and enters an engineering lesson. Takes a gun out and says “I hate feminists. You’re all a bunch of feminists” and takes aim. He kills 14 women and injures 10.

Your son shoots himself before the police arrive.


Your son points to a black person in the street and asks why he looks different

[[You tell him to not point becuase it’s rude|COLD2]]

[[You tell him that it’s becuase that person is different|LOVING2]]

[[You don’t say anything|COLD2]]

Having not seen your son all weekend you go to his room to see that he’s been reading all weekend. He tells you a fact about the amount of dead stars in the night sky. You tell him to get ready for school but as he stands up he collapses onto the floor

[[You call the primary school immediatly and say that your son won’t be in today. You sit with your son for the rest of the day drawing pictures of the constellations.|LOVEFAIL2]]

[[You go to your son and try and wake him up but he won’t. You call work and say you won’t be in today becuase your son is sick. You allow him to have some space and wait for him to come out of his room|COLD3]]

He comes home in a flood of tears. He tells you that on his first day of high school he asked a girl why she was crying. She explained that her cat had died. Your son responded by telling a story about the family cat and how great Mr Tinkles is. This made things worse and the young girl slapped your son.

[[Explain to your son that it was inappropriate to do that and that he needs to show a bit more empathy towards other school children. Your son cries more and runs to his room.|LOVEFAIL2]]

[[Ring up school and demand that the girl apologise to your son for such a violent act. When the school asks your son to apolgise to you hang up. You tell your son that it’ll all be okay tomorrow|COLD4]]

Your son signs up to help austistic children at a local community centre.

[[You are proud of him and write a facebook status about it. You don’t tell him to his face that you’re proud but he likes the status|LOVEBAD3]]

[[You think know is the time to tell him about his Irlen syndrome. You were told about this when your son was younger but didn’t know how to tell him. He looks confused. He drops out of his volutary work the next day|COLD5]]

[[You drive him to his first session. He promises to learn how to drive. Kisses you on the forehead and says thanks|LOVEFAIL5]]

There’s a fire at the local park. Nobody knows who started it but your son was seen there around the time it happened. People in the nearby block of flats throw rocks at him the next day as he leaves the house. You ask if he did it

[[You tell him that it’s okay, that he should trust you. If he did do it you won’t mind and all you want is for him to promise not to do it again. He doesn’t say anything. You hug him|COLD6]]

[[You don’t say anything. He isn’t talking about it at home so you assume it’s nothing to do with him|LOVEFAIL6]]

Your sons mental health is detiriating quickly. You’ve never experienced anything like this in your family before. He comes home one day and tells you that he attempted an overdose last night.

[[You cry and ask why. You blame yourself when you go to sleep that night. When you wake up you make him breakfast but he doesn’t come down. You take it up to his room even though the meal is now cold. You enter to see your son reading a book about stars. He tells you about all the dead stars in the night sky. You smile.|COLD7]]

[[You tell him to go see a doctor. You book a GP appoitnment for him the next day and agree to take him there. He goes. Returns. You go to the pharmacy to pick up a perscription of citalopram. You don’t talk about it on the journey home|SHARE]]

Your son writes an article online about the lack of diagnosees in children from a young age. In this article he blames the school he went to and demands action. He blames you as well. He mentions that you didn’t know how to bring him up properly and because of this his bi-polar dissorder is far more serioius than it should be.

[[You ignore the article. It’s his business not yours|COLD8]]

[[You cry at work. Your workmates ask whats wrong and you show them the article. They comfort you.|NEW]]

[[You ask your son to remove the article and he does. He agress never to do it again but doesn’t apologise. You don’t speak for a week|LOVEFAIL7]]

Your son goes missing. His body is found by the side of a motorway. His suicide note says how he never felt comfertable being brought up by you.

You are interviewed in the local paper about your son. They accuse you of not brining up your child properly. You cry.

Online, Men’s Rights Activists mention how your son lacked a strong male influence in his upbringing.

You feel like it’s your fault.

Everyone agrees.

[[The End|END]]

Reading the Internet 100316 -35

Your son spends the day vomiting a horrendous amount of sick into a bucket.You take him to the GP and he says that your son must have caught a virus.

[[You take him home and make sure he stays hydrated. You leave him in his room for most of the day as you don’t want to catch his illness. You can’t miss another day at work|LOVEFAIL]]

[[You take him home and cuddle him. You kiss him on the forehead and stay with him for the rest of the day. You call in work to tell them that you won’t be in for the rest of the week|COLD2]]

[[You take him home and let him sleep. You see the book you got out of the library open by his bed side table|LOVEBAD3]]

The school your son goes to has to shut one day becuase 16 kids begin showing symptoms of poisoning. One includes your son.

[[You consider moving house. It must have been your son that did that. He was obbsesed with that book. If people find out he’s been reading books on poison they’ll chuck him out of school. You don’t move house but you stop buying your son any books.|LOVEBAD4]]

[[You consider changing schools. How can a canteen meal poision so many kids? It’s not safe anymore. This thing shouldn’t happen. You don’t change his school but he now brings a packed lunch into school everyday|COLD3]]

Your son gets beat up  by kids in his Geography class. The kids said he was staring at them for too long. They punched him in the stomach. He fell. They kicked him in the stomach. He cried. One kicked him in the head. He blacked out.

[[You talk to your son. You tell him to avoid these sort of kids. Stay in the library more often. Don’t stare too long. The next day he goes into school you constantly keep checking your phone incase a teacher rings up again|LOVEBAD5]]

The three kids that beat up your son pass away. They share similar symptoms to that of being poisoned by nightshade. Your son is arrested. He’s 14.

[[You stand by your son as much as you can but there’s no hope. You cry at his sentence.|LOVEBAD6]]

You are interviewed in the Telegraph about your son. They accuse you of not brining up your child properly. You cry.

Online, Men’s Rights Activists mention how your son lacked a strong male influence in his upbringing.

The Daily Mail find the libary records and find the book about plants. They call you reckless. You influenced your child into having a “sick obsession”. They also find a copy of Harry Potter on the list and relate the dark arts to your sons “hobby”.

You feel like it’s your fault.

Everyone agrees.

[[The End|END]]


“Having a boy compounded the sense of responsibility I felt as a new mother. The world seemed to expect more. Those raised expectations brought with them an even higher level of anxiety, due in part to work I’d been doing as a clinician in a well-known outpatient child and adolescent psychiatry department. In case conference after case conference, it was always the mother who was held at fault for her child’s problems. She was too close or too distant, too strict or too permissive, hadn’t set clear enough boundaries, or was found wanting in the empathy, love or affection departments. Whatever the issue, it always pointed back to the mother. And because a higher percentage of boys were seen in psychiatric treatment than girls at that point, the notion stuck that a boy and his mother were at risk.

Even then I knew they couldn’t all be to blame.”

– Dr Peggy Drexler


[[Thanks for playing.|GameOver]]

Josh Coates and Leo BurtinYour son spends more and more time in the pub. One day he comes home with one of his drinking buddies. You ask who he is and smacks you across the face. He calls you a stupid woman. Your son doesn’t say anything.

[[You stand up for yourself. You shout out your son and the stranger. You demand that they leave. They don’t at first but when you return to the living room with a knife they immediatly leave.|END1]]

[[You lay on the floor. You don’t move. The stranger grabs a kife and leaves with your son|NEW2]]

You are interviewed in the Telegraph about your son. They accuse you of not brining up your child properly. You cry.

Online, Men’s Rights Activists mention how your son lacked a strong male influence in his upbringing. They call him a hero.

You feel like it’s your fault.

Everyone agrees.


[[The End|END]]



Your son does well at school and leaves with high grades. He gets offered a place at the university of his choice. He has a partner for a while and seems happy

[[You think that this is the time to separate yourself from him and his personal life. He’s growing up now|COLD7]]

[[That’s your boy! Up there! Doing Well! Yes! KISS HIS FACE|NEW]]

Your son starts going to the pub with a friend that you don’t know.

[[Thank christ for that! Look how quickly he’s growing up. You give him a tenner for his first round. You spend a nice evening on the sofa watching TV and having a glass of wine. he doesn’t come home till late but that’s okay|NEW1]]

[[You tell him to be careful. When he comes home late you shout at him for being reckless. You apologise and say it’s becuase you were worried. He doesn’t go again|COLD8]]

Your son goes to a local park. He finds a small kitten and cuts it’s throat. The stranger from the pub punts the cat into a neighbours back garden. The neighbours come out and ask whats happening. The stranger shouts “Fucking Dykes” to them and storms into their house. He tells your son to stab them. He does.

[[Is there anything you can do…|END1]]

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